ok, time check: 0700hr. It's time to sleep. i waited for my youngest bro to wake up den with his company, i plucked up the courage to RUN into my mum's room. it feels DAMN good ok. damn it. no sleep at all, have to hold my pee, feel so sticky and oily. ewww i can't stand it totally. when i finally bathed, it's like heaven~

but there's a price to pay... my right eye was blinded again when i went back into my room after the whole bathing thing. )): i'm seriously terrified when that happened just now. I thought it was gone... Now it's back again. =/

once again: should I? Is there a need? maybe it doesn't matter.. what's wrong with me?

It's nearing... But seriously I'm not excited at all. Sometimes you just feel that you're all alone in this world. Nobody understands you. Yes, nobody but only you. As much as you wana convey your feelings and thoughts to the other party, there is still a certain level of difficulty to fully explain the situation and get the person to understand what you're going through. I've seen this through. Yes, no one can fully understand. What I fear most is not not having someone there to listen to me pour my sorrows, but one that cannot understand what you are feeling. more often, there's this kinda ridiculous kinda thing that you might wana talk to the other party about. yes, it may sound ridiculous to the other party and we may feel that the person will find it ridiculous. we may tell the person how ridiculous you think yourself are. but deep down, deep inside, you know. only you understand yourself that it is not ridiculous at all. It's just that there is only this much you can say, and only this much the other party can understand.

this is the most fucked-up moment I've ever had. like what my bro names them - airborne commando cockroaches. WHY THE FUCK must these disgusting insects exist? I was happily changing newspapers for JJ when suddenly some disgusting brownish thing just flew above my head. my reaction? drop everything and run! I peeped into the kitchen and saw that it was a cockroach! knnccb! it's like tmd-fucking HUMONGOUS. I asked my mum to kill it, cos she's the only one in the family that's not afraid of it. BUT she refused! can you imagine how fucking pissed i am? I just reached home not long ago (12plus) cos i acc-ed her for supper downstairs. I have not yet bathed, have not yet peed, have not yet washed my face. I quickly ran into my room, fearing that it will fly right into my face. I called my mum on the phone and she still refused to kill it. i get even more pissed off when she decided not to.

and here i am, now 4.27am, sitting right infront of the com, smelly and oily. I still have not bathed, washed my face or peed. i have to hold my pee and this really really sucks. she knows i'm not feeling well and i have not done all these. and she still do not wana help me. she even switched off her phone, good game. now i just wish that i faint and die right here. den she'll definitely regret not killing the cockroach, and for switching off her phone. but seriously i think i have a high chance of fainting. i tried sleeping but i can't cos i feel very "dirty" to sleep. and i kept coughing like fuck but i don't dare to drink water cos i'm afraid it will make me feel like peeing even more. and now, my head is spinning. but i can't sleep. seriously this sucks. i dont even feel like gg for the OG outing tml anymore. cos i know that stupid disgusting thing will still be there. seriously now i'm more pissed at my mum than that fucking cockroach. I'm so gg to ignore her tml, FOR SURE. i can't imagine i cried becos i feel so helpless.

if you're gg to say "come on, it's only a cockroach", den please shut up unless you're gg to help me get rid of it. CHRIS, i seriously miss and need you ): (not that way obviously) I think after today, my kidneys, bladder, lungs, brain, skin are going to be so damaged. and for sure, i'm not gg to recover well. ): guess i'll be a sick birthday girl when the day comes. this sucks but seriously i'm not excited about it. =/ but still wana thanks my youngest bro's ex for giving me a present in advance. it's really sweet of her seriously. it totally took me off guard and i'm touched but her actions.

ok now, let's pray that i faint and die here as soon as possible. i can't stand this! i'm so "sticky" and my bladder is bursting! KNNCBB! this is my worst day EVER. NB!

Firstly, thanks mich for that particular blog entry of yours. (: I feel so glad that I have so many friends that care. Yeah, that period really sucked. It was like the all-time low in terms of emotional issues. It was crazy but.. The good thing is everything is fine now! :D Yeah no worries, my wall wont crack. hahaha. but yes yes yes, pls come for mahjong soon. my hands are itching!!! i wana play probably on coming weds. I was thinking about that yst. still looking for kakis. LOL. will msg you to tell you more! (: thanks babe. huggss ((:

anyway, read from your blog and know that ur hamster gave birth. LOL. If i'm not so fate-less with hamsters, i would want it. =/ cos NO hamsters were able to survive more than 1 week in my hands. =X I just don't know why. LOL! )):

************************************************************************************

I guess Lemsip helps? but it really tastes awful. it's like super sour + plain water. Okay, I duno how to describe la~ it just tastes awful. But I think it helps la. I had a good sleep last night. FINALLY, an undisturbed, and really good sleep. ok la~ I can only rmb mummy climbing up my loft bed ladder and stroking my hair tt's all. other than that i had a really good sleep. AND AND AND. I didn't cough one bit from last night till now ok! BUT the flu is still there )): i hope my nose finishes the marathon real soon ): I need to dance later!

Alright, need to head over to SMU like quite early today =/ hope i'll be fit enough to dance up to standard. or at least like how i was last week. *prays* my right arm is no longer aching badly but the bruise is still there. gees. the green shirt guy is really super rowdy. LOL. even desmond says so. he even said that my bball skill is better than the green shirt guy! *giggles* HAHA! he must be kidding me. LOL. but the main point is, he is really rowdy. LOL. -.-

I'm completing it soon! :D

This sucks. ):

Hopefully the medicine works.

It's been so long since I slept so early. Gees.

Today I feel so so so so damn tired. Went to SRC to play badminton with bunk4 peeps. I seriously suck at badminton. LOL! I can't serve properly, can't hit properly etc etc. LOL! but luckily during the 1-hour break that we had, we played bball! it's been so long seriously. At least i feel so much better playing bball. hehe. although i'm not good at bball too. at least i know i'm better at bball as compared to badminton. LOL. had dinner with them at Curry Wok, somewhere near coronation something. lol. the food there is not bad i feel.. probably it'll be better if the curry's more spicy. haha. Desmond then drove around and we explored a lot of stuff! amazing trip seriously. :D

He's not feeling well )):

Why do I feel unhappy when I hear her say all those? Is it because she made it sound like it's my fault? Since he didn't say anything about it, I won't probe. I just don't feel that happy today. Sometimes I feel that I'm irritating. Don't know why. Maybe it's the "responses" that I get?

My fingers are still hurting )):

Was supposed to meet Val today but she couldn't make it at the last minute ): next time perhaps... But I'm meeting ZY tml. gonna walk around like nobody's business. I really hope that I don't spend! -.- except for lunch la... hmm..

Ok, recently I have not been reading! )): Well, at least I know my time wasn't wasted. hehe. I'm working on the project still. I will definitely read after that. (:

Yst was my brother's (jeremy) birthday and the pics are available on my fb. haha. his gf was here and dear was here too. ((: nothing much actually. just a simple birthday with a cake and birthday song. haha. this time i really do not know wat to get for him so i just gave him an angpao. haha. and guess what? then today i got MY angpao.... LOL! -.-

anyway, dear's away for around 2 days... he went for chalet. I'm missing him definitely )): haha. but hope he enjoys himself there (: still thinking if i should go for badminton on friday... It's been so long since i've played.. hahaha. I might become some laughing stock. -.-

I'm just glad that things are fine now :D Let's just hope that the talks that we had, made us understand better why some things happened that way. Whatever it is, it just feels like our relationship is going stronger. I seriously enjoy every moment spent with you. I really hope you are The One. The one to have and hold with all my heart and soul, who stays around through all my ups and downs ((: I love you ((:

I guess things are more or less fine now? (:

BOO~ my right hand is still painful... and my fingers too... )):

Anyway, I got a new book few days back. It's UGLY by constance briscoe. It is good read I feel.. It all started from Roby reading it from the sch's lib. haha. den she was telling us the content and stuff and I found it interesting and I went to get it! No regrets seriously..

Oh ya, it was so embarrassing tt day la. it was thursday. I went to JP alone and walk around la. den i bought this and bought that. in the end, there was only $2 left in my wallet. I totally forgot about it and went into Old town white coffee. -.- I only realised when I opened my wallet again. Gees.. I quickly asked the lady if they accept NETS or something. they only accept cash.. =/ super duper wtf la. so i called friends and my siblings for help. but chris was at bugis, while my siblings just simply didn't pick up the phone -.- in the end, i left my stuff there with the lady and i went and withdraw $$. why dont they accept nets la. so troublesome...

Then when I got home, there was beancurd outside my doorstep. thanks dear... funnily, i was home with beancurd too! luckily i didn't get for myself.

alright, finally there's dance tml! so happy... I can't wait to dance man. haven been dancing for 2 weeks alr.. )): need to burn fats! and i seriously enjoy the sessions.. (:

gotta go. till the next post then.

I'm better off dead. ):

Then I won't be able to hurt him with anything I do or say. I really hate myself that things that I say or do actually hurt him so badly. It will no longer hurt him if I don't exist anymore.

But then, I won't be able to see him again...

)):

落泪以前 再看一眼 你模糊侧脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你 而你凝视着窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边

我搞不懂 我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后是否住着伤口
我想不通 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否 能让什么复活

你的项链 还在胸前 晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕眩
如果我们继续向前
走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险

我搞不懂 我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后是否住着伤口
我想不通 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否 能让什么复活

明明从前 连争执都很甜美
现在怎会 说句话就能痛一遍

我搞不懂 我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后是否住着伤口
我想不通 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否 能让什么复活

He says he's hurt by whatever I have said here. And so, I've deleted all those posts.

Those few days that passed were torturous. Of cos today was the worst. Cos... Finally, he said it.

Mum cooked pork belly today. and then I remembered I told him that if my mum cooks it, I will ask him over to try it. But now I can't. I should not disturb him at all, even if anything happens. I should give him time, alone. But I'm scared my mum will ask for the next few days - where is he, why didn't he come. Sigh. I think I need to go out tml or something. And
next week too. Perhaps just bluff that I'm out with him, then she wont ask and suspect something happened. =/

My gastric is hurting like fuck. ): I'm just too stubborn la, can't help. But since my gastric is alr so screwed up, it doesn't matter if i skip a meal or 2 la~ It was a great time spent during school experience, cos I got to know a bunch of really good people. as for SCHOOL experience itself, I've nothing much to say about it.

Anyway I realised physical hurt really lightens emotional heartaches. And it's really true, cos Roby says so too. LOL. she tried punching the wall too, but what's most hardcore about her is that she ran on a threadmill for 2 hours when she was sooo angry that time. no way for me, tt was why i punch the wall instead. want me to workout as in run/jog? over my dead body. Well, physical hurt helps somehow.. at least it stops you from crying. cos it's painful. But you are "engrossed" in the pain, instead of the emotional heartache, so much so that you will actually stop crying. But that's if you continuously punch the wall la. And it makes you tired cos you're exerting force. but once i stop punching, I start crying again, so I was tired of punching and i gave up. eventually I just cried to sleep, somehow. morning there was still abit of blue-black. but now it's fine alr. and it doesn't hurt anymore. amazing...

what's most annoying is that i finally managed to sleep around 1am, but i duno what the fuck is wrong that made me wake up at 3am! And worse still, I can't sleep after that. And from there, I was awake all the way until I went sch and came back. I'm gonna sleep after I finish this.

I really want to see him so badly. I guess on my side, this is firstly the reason why in the first place I reacted strongly to those incidents. actually I don't really know why too. but.. does he miss me? does he want to see me too? I'm very scared that when he's done with his time alone, I will be afraid to face him )):

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I did this AGES ago and just found it lying in my com. So might as well just post it. Well, I may have already posted it. HAHA can't remember. Whatever. Anyway, I started my week at Bro's school. It was sian. LOL. But it's a good thing we weren't assigned seats. Just a room for all of us will do (:

Ok anyway! I've changed my blogskin. DUH. It's so black and pink. -.- like the french manicure I always do. HAHA. seems like the exact shade. -.- I don't know what happened to the twitter, why isit aligned right. cos i tried, but i just can't fix it. whatever, just make do with it. HAHA. and i dont know what happened to the credits too... -.- let it just junk up tgt then. LOL.

It just feels weird this week. probably because there's no dance? BOO~ I'm looking forward to dance... )): Actually I dont really know what to blog about too... I'm just kinda bored. I have other stuff to blog about too. But as for everyday happenings, there's only this much I can say...

I really thought he disliked me soooo much. But after such a long time I finally plucked up the courage and showed some concern during his low times... His actions kinda reciprocated and made me feel happy that he actually treats me as a friend ((: I just hope that he can move on, no matter how hard and long it will take.

School Experience had been a fruitful one. (: I really LOVE the kids there. some are really polite and will greet you even if they do not know you. Of cos, generally speaking, the lower primary classes that I observed were much more disciplined than the upper ones. How ironical. HAHA. But I really enjoyed myself there. I've learnt a lot. I'm glad (: It's really not easy at all. TRUCKLOAD of patience is needed of cos. haha. Hope that next year I will still be posted there. Really glad that I have the few of them as my CTs. they are all really really nice ppl! (:

Anyways, today (10/07/09) is our 1st month anniversary!!! :D I seriously thought that dear will forget about it! I feel so guilty cos I did not prepare anything for him, except writing a letter for him this morning =/ and he has been really sweet. i thought he didn't bother when my msn nick says "my nose bled again ):". In the end, he bought herbal tea for me and gave them to me 3 days in consecutive... ((: So sweet!!

Dear and I went JP for dinner today. And he treated me! :D during dinner, he gave me a gift. hehe. LOOK....

If you see carefully, it's a girl listening from a cup, which is linked to the cup that the guy is holding. and obviously, the guy one is with dear (:

And when I open it up, it's Dear's name and on the right side, it's the date we got tgt. Can't really see... But yeah... Haha. Then Dear told me there was another thing he wanted to give me. And he had already "planted" it in my room earlier on. I have NO IDEA what isit. totally no idea. LOL.

We went to catch Ice Age 3 after dinner. It was a nice movie I feel... funny and cute too. haha. But it was so cold in there. LOL. Anyway i think the kids in the cinema were really enjoying themselves during the movie. I could just feel it. LOL. And so Dear went to meet his Bunk 4 mates while I went home. the first thing i did when i got home? SEARCH FOR THE THING DEAR WAS TALKING ABOUT! I spent quite a lot time looking for it, but to no avail ))): finally dear gave me the answer... it was in a drawer that is spoilt and stuck for years... seriously wonder how did Dear managed to open the drawer to get the "thing" in. LOL. I used all my might to open the damn drawer. and it's breaking... LOL! And so... this is what Dear did for me!!!

So beautiful right? It's really sweet of him (: I counted. It's about 30 petals, each saying "I love you" in different languages... And at the back, there were some quotes at the center. so nice :D I am soooo touched ok... I was in tears =X

and this is how big it looks. See my thumb? you can roughly gauge the size eh?

Thanks dear, I'm glad to have met you and being loved by you. I'm sorry that I thought otherwise. Thought that you didn't really care and such. I misunderstood you. ): Thank you for putting in effort and hardwork into this beautiful gift. I really love it. VERY MUCH... (: Thank you for everything that you have done so far. I'm sure things are working out and will get even better in the future ((: I love you ((:

First day of school experience! I guess it was great for me? Haha. My CTs are all very nice, one of them is super motherly. She gave me a bookmark! (: and my another CT is very welcoming and friendly (: I've only managed to talk to the 3rd CT for awhile? Didn't really talk much to him besides the time-table. But he seems nice too (:

Kids are soooooo cute (: and naughty of cos. :D but i had a good time today. doing some hands-on, guiding some students to complete their work. ((: I see many interesting ways how my CTs do their job. I love it when they sing together etc etc. I was interested in the lesson too. :D

It was great today. I know it's gonna be a fruitful 4 days there (:

2 am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be?
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our good-bye

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

why is it that those that you don't expect will shower you with care be the ones that show care and concern? while those that are supposed to care for you, do not show you the "required" amount of care? am i too demanding? ):

I feel that I shouldn't compare... But why? why does one person care more than the other? why? ): shouldn't it be the other way round? it's hurting me badly... it's killing me... I keep asking "why" but never was there an answer that could shut me up. Is it supposed to hurt this much?

I'm drained too. I'm tired.. and I hope I can hide somewhere... ))):

If only blogspot has password-protected post...

):

I read my previous posts and realised that so much has happened, and so much has changed. Fate is such fascinating thing. Lots of twists and turns in life, things that happened without any expectation of it. And of cos people change too. Or perhaps people didn't change. It's just that you didn't know the person well enough although you already thought you did very well. Yes I feel depressed, but SO? Can't do much about it. Things change, and we must learn to accept changes.

Anyway, I'm bored of staying at home. I've been home on thurs and fri. BOO~ nothing to do. So later I'm going out. Meeting JK for coffee. Duno what to say also. Hmm. Anyway, Sims 3 is fun! Last night I had fun playing. Hehe. And unknowingly, I played till damn late. chatted with fel for awhile den went to bed at 3plus. SHAG.

Gonna have dinner with dear's family tml. Wonder how it will go. LOL.

OK, gonna catch my SHUANG ZI XING already. bye.

Are promises meant to be broken?

Why like that??

After looking back at XXX's previous posts since months ago, an indescribable feeling came over me. SIGH. There are so many things in life that you just can't put a finger to it.

Things are indeed un-expectable. That's what makes life interesting...

There's this sudden urge of writing a metaphorical post, but I'm tired, I'm lazy, to think of how I should go about doing it, so that most people won't be able to decipher what my points are.

This woman had a miscarriage, and was afraid and unwilling to try for another child again, in fear of a miscarriage again. It is difficult indeed, but she managed to overcome her fears and gave birth eventually. However, being pregnant is one thing, but being a mum is a totally different thing. She tries her best to give whatever she could, or at least she felt she gave her best at being a mum. Post-natal depression may have made her seem like a bad mother/wife, but it's definitely not what she wants. It just cannot be controlled. But what I know is that, she tries her best. Whenever her baby cries, she asks herself "what is it about her that is not good enough? Why is baby crying? what should i do to stop baby from crying?", or tells herself that it must be her fault that things have to be like that.

I feel so tired, and I'm turning in now. nites...

I know it must be me. Ok, I won't ask. But where's the honesty we promised? Since so, I won't breathe a word too. Can't believe certain things mentioned. Cos I thought love should be something where I love you for who you are, but not to make you become someone I want you to be. Whatever, I'm tired. And I'm going to sleep.

Recently I have been spending so much time with dear that I don't exactly know what to say about it. LOL. But he's going JB tomorrow. ): Just for the day that's all (: I'll be going to swim! hopefully i wake up early and go swim early, cos there's so little people there in the morning. (:

Anyway, I bought heels AGAIN. LOL! but it's soooooo freaking comfortable though it's about 10cm tall. OK, maybe not FREAKING comfortable, but it's quite comfortable just that it's a little tight at the front. LOL. It's only 30plus! so it's quite cheap (: Oh no oh no, I'm buying too many shoes. -.-

I'm blogging while waiting for shuang zi xing to load, and waiting for dear to finish blogging. LOL. I'm hungry. should i eat? should i cook maggi mee? BOO~ how how how! Ok, better not. LOL. -.-

My youngest bro came home telling me that his teachers approached him, telling him that I'll be going to their school. -.- OH MY GOD seriously. I thought they will only know i'm his sister when they see me in person, cos i've been to his school several times becos of him. -.- BUT who knows, they know i'm his sister, just by looking at my name. this is freaky... I need to prepare myself for a truckload of complaints about my brother. Good Luck to me. LOL!

I realised I look very tired. esp recently. boo~ looking tired = ugly. I better sleep ALOT. I don't know why but sometimes i just can't continue sleeping in though I know I need more sleep than that. Gees. And recently I'm spending alot on make-up and beauty products. GEES. I'm becoming more and more woman. Not to say that I wasn't lady enough. I think I was. Just that now I'm getting more and more conscious. LOL.

I feel so bored at home. sigh. feel like playing games, but there isn't any that I'm interested in. Perhaps just some FB games? but I get sick of them in a while. Perhaps I should REALLY play sims 3. HAHA. PERHAPS la~ I'm sure Dear is gonna pray that I don't want to play, so that I won't have to "confiscate" his sims 3. LOL. haha.

Ok, shuang zi xing is done loading. tata (: