i don't know why it hurts so badly this time. i guess i expected too much out of it. high hopes brings big disappointment. and here i am now, lost in the midst of nowhere. i can't blame him totally, cos we're both at fault. this is a nightmare and i wished i could wake up and forget about it totally.

i shall believe what he said and treasure this friendship. never in my life have i found someone like him. too close, too comfortable. tried letting go and even not being friends. but i just can't do it. i don't wana lose him too. and i really treasure him a lot too. no one can ever replace him in my heart. memories - no one can steal.

we'll try our best to make everything work out normal, like before, but tt'll def take time. at least i need time. i'll try my best to forget. and maybe 10 years down the road, i will be able to find someone who truly loves me for who i am.

now i really can't imagine life without you.

-you're irreplaceable-

what i feared most has happened. and i really can't take it. if only what had happened is a nightmare. at least, it's not true. i just want to hide forever. if i can choose not to meet anyone. not to face anyone. not to speak to anyone. i will gladly do so.

i guess. i'm just noe good enough. and i don't deserve happiness.

goodbye.

no matter what i do, it's never sufficient. maybe it's over-sufficient. i seemed too concerned, overly concerned. i can't feel enough reciprocal. maybe i'm expecting too much. maybe i should tell myself- tt's enough. i should practise saying good-bye, until the day comes...

still in a bad mood. Boo... ):

-i wana cry-

was supposed to go for medical check up today. but i slept super late last night and couldn't wake up early enough today. oh well, have decided to go tomorrow instead. and i feel rather disappointed that he can't accompany me there. sigh. but i can't blame him, he's not feeling well. i'm just feeling disappointed. and i kinda feel that he feel bad because he promised me he will accompany me there. just feel that, maybe afterall, he didn't even really want to go in the first place. i know i'm not being fair to him to say these. but i'm just saying how i feel. ):

thursday there will be educational psychology meeting at the national library. zzzz. bored to the core. i just don't like project work. you know?!?!?! damn. but anyway, at least my group members are all nice to get along with.

having thinking alot recently. maybe i should learnt to take things as it is, and not to be too serious at certain stuff, but get really serious when it comes to studies.

initially, i was rather confident that you actually like me. but as time passes, i realised that it might not be the case. maybe it's just reliance on your part. maybe you really do not have any feelings for me. or you thought you have. every single msg that you sent, i never ever deleted any of them. when i look thru them, i recall the journey, the events that happened.

i remembered you saying around a month or so, that you really don't know if you have feelings for me. i am very very disappointed and heartbroken. you mean, after all that has happened, you can't even figure out how you feel about me? maybe i'm just taken for granted, ya, again. i am always taken for granted. maybe i just don't deserve anyone's love. ):

if you could tell me str8 that you don't like me, i will gladly let go and walk away. it is unfair to me that we are so close and yet you refuse to say anything about it. you say you do think we look like an item. then? so? what are you going to do? nothing. so do you mean you like me? no, you didn't tell me anything. if you feel that being friends, and really plain friends is better, alright, we better not stay so close. we better keep a distance. but you asked me to not treat you differently, cos you're already used to me. does it mean again that you like me? or is it once again, over-reliance?

you said you feel that you care more now. what does it exactly mean? what if i take it as you do like me, and in the end, if that's not the case, then what am i going to do? i dare not ask you again if you have feelings for me. i'm afraid of the answer and i'm afraid you will give me ambiguous answers that will lead me to think of different possibilities again.

right now, i'm just treasuring the times i have with you. i will give you some time, secretly. in the midst of that, i'm already planning to leave. if by then you still can't do anything or give me an answer, i'm sorry, i'm leaving. you said you can't imagine life w/o me. i can tell you that, that applies to me as well. i really can't imagine how i will be like when i leave you. i will not be happy for sure... but i guess you will be fine. cos i'm just any other friend of urs. i'm nobody.

-the future is bleak-

i'm having mixed feelings yet again.

give me a sign, no, more signs. i don't know what the future holds.

am i taken for granted? or am i really needed? i don't know.

i just wana be there for as long as i could.

and maybe i should just leave one day.

uncertainty - yet again. feelings all too familiar.

maybe, to you, i'm just nobody. i don't know.

i don't know how to manage if one day ________ .

maybe i will grow stronger.

i don't know.

-emo-emo-emo-

hello! today is thurs - which is dance day! lol. today we'll be doing lyrical jazz. hees. mon's session was held by carol. it was freaking fun. and i can say that is my fav session of all. we did gals hiphop. fun. quite a number of guys joined us too. haha. we had to shake and butts and do krumping. and had to do alot of rolling of the bods. it was a pleasure to see the guys doing it too. they were to "emit the manly kinda sexiness" as said by carol. haha. did some combi then was showcasing time. carol took videos of it. wonder if we could get hold of it. lol

gg for sakae later! w yimin (confirmed). the rest maybe: felicia. chris. etc. don't know. haha. and tml is pay day! *grins (: gg to put my new debit card into good use. lol. they actually sent me a chq book. well, i don't see that i need it in anyway. lol.

now i'm hooked to this song by elva hsiao - chong dong. feel that it's v nice. and it kinda reflects my situation i guess? or my scenario is much more than what is meant in the song. lol. think this song is quite "old" already. hmm.

hope that i can save enough to get a new pc next month when i get my pay. hees. happy. then need to get new modem and printer! lol. nvm, can claim. haha. think i'll claim for the modem lo. since it will be more exp. gotta buy TBs also. for ed psy and bio. lol. haha. EXPENSIVE la. esp the bio one. geesh.

alright. today i'm gg to have my first test man. biodiversity - evo, classification, monera and protista. bleah. studied last night n made notes. duno how will i fare in the test la. think i might screw it up man. good luck to me!

- Chong dong- "bu que ding ni shu yu wo hui you dian ji mo"-

hi, one wk has passed so quickly! lol

have been busy with projs and stuff like that. tues we had our first proj done and over with!! and we've got an 'A+' for it!!!! yeah, i'm so freaking happy! haha. at least it's a big load off my mind now. lol. (:

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on the darker side...

sometimes i wonder am i thinking too much or what. cos like what he says, i'm quite unpredictable at times as i will be stormy out of a sudden. i really do not know what the hell is wrong with me. maybe, i'm just afraid?

we have progressed alot as compared to before. but whatever it is, we are still friends, just friends. i do not know if i should go on like this. sometimes i wish i could just walk away and just end everything like that. but in the first place, we are not even officially together, so what is there to end? but i just can't bear to do it. it will just hurt so much to do so. he is just irreplaceable and definitely unforgettable. i cant imagine life without him, too.

i duno what he wants out of this actually. could it be, he just want someone to be by his side, and that's all? he asks me to not treat him differently and he's already used to me. but i really duno how long this thing can just go on. i'm not sure if i can be so nice and always be there for him and yet not expect anything from him. i don't think i can be that noble. i must admit that, i really do want to be with him, officially. but i do not want to pressurise him and force him to pop that question or what. even at present, i don't even know how exactly he feels about me. he never mentioned it. he says he cant say anything much at the moment. i really don't know. he asked me to just look at the obvious. well, intuitively, i feel that he does like me. but i'm afraid. i'm scared that i might have gotten the wrong idea. so i do not want to think of it that way.

sometimes i wonder why he never popped that question.. i really can't figure out. i guess, because he is still not sure of his feelings or he doesn't like me? or what? maybe becos he's gg to ns so he might be afraid that i might forget about him when he's there? at least i know i won't. he's someone really special to me, that it will never happen that way. i guess maybe the other way round... maybe he'll be the one who forgets me and drifts away from me... sigh.

despite all that has happened between us, i do not know what the future holds. nobody does, anyway. maybe we might end up tgt? maybe i will be such a coward that i decide to back off and go into hiding? maybe he will just walk away one day? i do not know. and i'm afraid to face what's coming. 'cos i realised that i've fallen in love with him. i just can't seem to pull myself out of this. i'm stuck.

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that's the key chain i made for jk, and the one he made for me. he really used it as a "key"-chain while i use it as a "pencilcase"-chain. LOL. (:


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yst we went out tgt as a grp to celebrate xy's bdae! we had dinner at swensen's. (: nothing much to update about that though. jk n i shared a present for her. next up, pictures!



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oh ya! i forgot to update that i actually had an outing with my pri sch besties!! 3 of them (: it's such pleasure to know that though we have not met up for quite awhile, we are still v close. haha. all of us are still the same. the same old character. (: took alot of pics tat day. shall post some. (:




1st: me doing stupid faces while khim is singing and fiona joining me in the spastic act!
2nd: me and ying(bestest of my besties)
3rd: me and khim
4th: ying, fiona and i
5th: fiona and i
6th: 4 of us! L to R: fiona, ying, me and khim

(:

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-it difficult to say "there's nothing between us"-