was supposed to go for medical check up today. but i slept super late last night and couldn't wake up early enough today. oh well, have decided to go tomorrow instead. and i feel rather disappointed that he can't accompany me there. sigh. but i can't blame him, he's not feeling well. i'm just feeling disappointed. and i kinda feel that he feel bad because he promised me he will accompany me there. just feel that, maybe afterall, he didn't even really want to go in the first place. i know i'm not being fair to him to say these. but i'm just saying how i feel. ):

thursday there will be educational psychology meeting at the national library. zzzz. bored to the core. i just don't like project work. you know?!?!?! damn. but anyway, at least my group members are all nice to get along with.

having thinking alot recently. maybe i should learnt to take things as it is, and not to be too serious at certain stuff, but get really serious when it comes to studies.

initially, i was rather confident that you actually like me. but as time passes, i realised that it might not be the case. maybe it's just reliance on your part. maybe you really do not have any feelings for me. or you thought you have. every single msg that you sent, i never ever deleted any of them. when i look thru them, i recall the journey, the events that happened.

i remembered you saying around a month or so, that you really don't know if you have feelings for me. i am very very disappointed and heartbroken. you mean, after all that has happened, you can't even figure out how you feel about me? maybe i'm just taken for granted, ya, again. i am always taken for granted. maybe i just don't deserve anyone's love. ):

if you could tell me str8 that you don't like me, i will gladly let go and walk away. it is unfair to me that we are so close and yet you refuse to say anything about it. you say you do think we look like an item. then? so? what are you going to do? nothing. so do you mean you like me? no, you didn't tell me anything. if you feel that being friends, and really plain friends is better, alright, we better not stay so close. we better keep a distance. but you asked me to not treat you differently, cos you're already used to me. does it mean again that you like me? or is it once again, over-reliance?

you said you feel that you care more now. what does it exactly mean? what if i take it as you do like me, and in the end, if that's not the case, then what am i going to do? i dare not ask you again if you have feelings for me. i'm afraid of the answer and i'm afraid you will give me ambiguous answers that will lead me to think of different possibilities again.

right now, i'm just treasuring the times i have with you. i will give you some time, secretly. in the midst of that, i'm already planning to leave. if by then you still can't do anything or give me an answer, i'm sorry, i'm leaving. you said you can't imagine life w/o me. i can tell you that, that applies to me as well. i really can't imagine how i will be like when i leave you. i will not be happy for sure... but i guess you will be fine. cos i'm just any other friend of urs. i'm nobody.

-the future is bleak-