been really busy and tied up with school work and more importantly, dance, recently. As i've said previously, i'm like dancing everyday. yes, indeed, EVERYDAY. Yes i admit i'm tired. VERY TIRED. with all that's happening now... Every single day I just dread waking up. I had to drag myself to the toilet.

tml gonna go for MJ session for the 1st time! wish me luck.. hope i can catch the steps! =/ tml no school, it's the 1st time since the start of this sem that i dont have to go to school at all on thurs. this time i will be gg for dance, and wont even step into NIE. lol. For fri? one hour tutorial and that's it. will go home straight after that i guess unless there's help needed =) and guess what? I survived through AED essay and bio assignment. yes, survived but definitely not jobs well-done. ya, i really wonder how am I going to survive through this sem. will i screw it up? Honestly, I don't know but there's definitely a high possibility. =(

anyway, I realised that I seriously can't live without chilli. You know what? without chilli, I won't feel like eating. =/ heard from a friend that experiencing spiciness is actually a form of pain. haha. but i love it. no i'm not sadistic, well ok maybe i am but ya... I can really take super spicy stuff. I feel really shiok eating it. it makes me feel good. honestly speaking, yes, it hurts like hell when it burns in my stomach. I guess partly the reason why I experience gastric pain frequently is because that I always love chilli with super sour stuff. I dont care if it hurts like whatever, I dont care if my hands are burning when I handle chilli padi, I just love chilli and I will never stop eating chilli. NEVER.

recently this song keeps coming to my mind. though it's so old alr but i still love it. loads of emotions.... sometimes just can't help it but.....

When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought
I'd need you there when I cried

And the days feel like years
when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart
are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know
is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear
to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
reminds me of you

And the clothes you left
are lyin' on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much
I need you right now?

do you see how much I need you right now?

will you miss me when I'm gone?

Why like that??

After looking back at XXX's previous posts since months ago, an indescribable feeling came over me. SIGH. There are so many things in life that you just can't put a finger to it.

Things are indeed un-expectable. That's what makes life interesting...

There's this sudden urge of writing a metaphorical post, but I'm tired, I'm lazy, to think of how I should go about doing it, so that most people won't be able to decipher what my points are.

This woman had a miscarriage, and was afraid and unwilling to try for another child again, in fear of a miscarriage again. It is difficult indeed, but she managed to overcome her fears and gave birth eventually. However, being pregnant is one thing, but being a mum is a totally different thing. She tries her best to give whatever she could, or at least she felt she gave her best at being a mum. Post-natal depression may have made her seem like a bad mother/wife, but it's definitely not what she wants. It just cannot be controlled. But what I know is that, she tries her best. Whenever her baby cries, she asks herself "what is it about her that is not good enough? Why is baby crying? what should i do to stop baby from crying?", or tells herself that it must be her fault that things have to be like that.

I feel so tired, and I'm turning in now. nites...

I know it must be me. Ok, I won't ask. But where's the honesty we promised? Since so, I won't breathe a word too. Can't believe certain things mentioned. Cos I thought love should be something where I love you for who you are, but not to make you become someone I want you to be. Whatever, I'm tired. And I'm going to sleep.

woots! GGC is over. and i should say it was a great performance by EACH AND EVERYONE OF US. and i seriously feel so. what is most impt is the time and effort we put in during our practices, and the commitment we've given. it was a fruitful one. :D kinda sad that christina couldn't perform together with us. but i hope she's feeling much much much better now. ((:

according to SOMEONE, when the pencil lead keeps breaking when you try sharpening the pencil, it's a BAD OMEN. haha. den i went for dance. on thursday itself, i hurt my LEFT knee. bad omen huh? den on fri performance day itself, i pulled my LEFT hamstring during the rehearsal. BAD OMEN again huh? gees... and worse still, i felt like vomiting before and after the performance. gees. seriously wtf. lol. but i'm better now! though i still feel pain from the pull. ): but just ABIT. and so, after MONTHS of procrastination, I FINALLY WENT SWIMMING FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!! hahaha. and i'm happy! happy cos i feel healthy. and controlling my diet. haha. this morning when i weighed myself. i roughly lost abt 3-4kg? and tt was what spurred me to go swimming. cos i want to keep it up. oh, low i mean. HAHA.

I think i'm gonna try completing later the thing i was doing for JK. i finally told my mum abt the breakup. guess what? i actually told her the real reason why we broke up. well, in the first place i was intending to just tell her that i was the one who initiate the breakup cos i no longer like him. but i didn't. my mum was funny. telling me "hao ma bu chi hui tou cao" (good horse dont eat go back grass) LOL! wtf so funny. ok, it simply means i shouldn't go back to him if in any case he wants me back. well, initially i did think abt this qns. i mean if he really comes back to me, should i go back to him? i was thinking, if i still love him, i should. but i changed my thinking, cos i think i've given him lots of time, and chances too. and after talking to my mum, i'm more certain that this should really the end of our relationship. and of cos, this is IF he wants me back. guess what? he msged me yst, asking a casual "how are you?". at that point of time, i was really confused. cos it's weird. cos he never does that. i duno how to describe but i wanted to be alone. however. i found the ans. this is the end.

i am reaching for the cheaper wet tissue... seems that it's coming closer and lower down the shelf. time is the essence.

it was a wonderful last night. (:

Maybe becos I'm not talking much about JK so many would feel puzzled as to why ain't I feeling sad or depressed when I'm supposed to. Honestly speaking, I have already been depressed. And I hope I'm done with it. As in, I don't want to cry anymore. I think I've already cried buckets of tears (refer to my previous posts). )): Deep down, I still miss him (tt's for sure), but isn't it good when I don't talk abt him? when I don't talk abt him, it's a step nearer to letting go. Moreover, after our breakup, there wasn't a single sms from him, not even a "hi" on msn. It's not that I don't want to talk abt him, but I have nothing to talk abt already. ))):

As the for the cheaper wet tissue, I'm glad that things are much better in the sense that it isn't as awkward as I thought it would be in the first place. Right now, things are better though there's still a tad of awkwardness. Just a little. Whatever it is, still, THANKS for being there. HAHA.

Alright, going to bathe now and then to dance. tata.

I've always been looking forward to Carol's session cos it really rocks my socks. lol. It always feel like you lost a few kgs after her session. And she's not the kind of instructor that just throw choreos at you. She is fun and I'm really glad to have her as my dance instructor (:

so yst we had our dance session at studio wu haha. trying a diff kinda feel. RnB, slower than usual and stuff like tt. (: I had a great time, like I always do. haha. After dance, we went to PS for dinner and went arcade. Duno what's got over me. I think everyone else there knows that something is really not right with me. taking the king hammer and hitting like nobody's business. Is this how you survive a breakup? haha. If only it's tt easy. What's worse when I have other problems in hand. this really sucks to the balls.

Incase you guys are wondering. Yes, my relationship with JK has ended. I've decided not to blame anyone cos if I do, I'll be putting a strain on myself. I'll just take it as a dream. So much easier said than done huh? In the meantime, I will finish what I have been preparing to give him on our 1-year anniversary. I just want to finish it, up till where we ended. I think only then I will be able to let go. This time I've not only lost a lover, but also a best friend. It's really sad. But I will be fine. Yes I will, but I need time. I'm sure I'll be fine. At times like this when one so vulnerable, it's easy to fall in love with someone who will be there for you. This really sucks too. If only feelings can be controlled, I wouldn't be feeling so lousy now. gees.

I'm not going to save up to get the more expensive wet tissue anymore. Cos I've been saving and saving until the point that I cannot afford it anymore. and the problem is, I think it wasn't even alochol-free or non-soapy in the first place. I thought it was, but as I used it, I realised it wasn't. And now, I think it's production alr ceased. Even if it starts to manufacture again, I would have to think twice, make sure that it's alcohol-free and non-soapy,and more imptly that I still have the urge to get it. As for the cheaper wet tissue, initially I thought I might want to get it when I really desire to have it and only it. but now, even if the more expensive wet tissue ceases its production, I don't think I will want to get the cheaper one alr. Why? Becos I'm pretty sure the cheaper one is not alcohol-free and is soapy. I've always looked at the cheaper one everytime I walk past the shelves, but I don't want to get it, den find out it's non alcohol-free and soapy, and not look at it anymore when I walk past again. That is what I'm afraid of, the most, actually. All these feelings came during the sales period when I get to know some other products and the cheaper tissue better, even though I already knew the cheaper tissue well. Now that I know that the cheaper tissue is soapy, and non alcohol-free... I think, I better stop myself from getting it. I better do so. I don't want to waste my money again. ):

I need time, alone.

It's over. Just like a dream.

The price of the more expensive wet tissue is getting too high. I decided to not get it anymore. I should save up my money instead. And i'm not going to get the cheaper but high-on-the-shelf one too. I don't know if there are extra stock, what if I attempt to get it and find out that there's no stocks? then it means I have to find another brand of wet tissue. I dont want. I want to stick to just one brand. But the more expensive one refuse to cooperate. what can I do.. So I'll just stop getting wet tissues.

I'll be fine.

I had fun during the DF chalet. lol. definitely lack of sleep and stuff like that. nothing much on the first day. just that enxian and i went chinatown to meet ambrose and joc for ktv at $10 club. It was fun. halfway through, enxian went and bought the cake for chris. haha. ambrose left at 11 while the 3 of us left at 12am. Thanks to enxian's dad for driving us back to the chalet (: so while chris was bathing, the rest of us waited outside the bathroom to give him a surprise! haha. he better be touched. lol. enxian did the card for him and it was beautiful. LOL. after that, we walked quite a distance to a coffeeshop to watch the champions league finals. sigh. man utd lost ))): they played really really badly. wat's worse when we are seated sooooo far away from the small tv. sad. and the few guys at the next table were cursing and swearing at man utd. i guess they placed a bet on man utd? very sad... ):

thurs morning we went swimming! yeah. i always love swimming, but couldn't find a time and is not disciplined enough to swim. gees. had lot of fun too. haha. well, that was the first thing we did in the morning. christina, jeff, gion, enxian and i. haha. LOL. den had breakfast tgt with ling, kingsley and chris too. did i miss anyone out? prepared for bbq and stuff like tt. lol. took out my red wine and finished it tgt with enxian. why no one else appreciates red wine? gees. den he also took out his vodka and mixed it with cranberry juice. nice! and i duno how much i drank. i was quite high at certain point of time alr. LOL. even went swimming with them AGAIN. lol. so funny. i was told that i was drunk. well, i can only rmb some of the things i did, while i totally can't rmb some of the things i did too. LOL. i guess it was quite embarrassing. geesus. i puked too. ALOT. damn. i puked on the floor when i was bathing in the swimming pool toilet. shucks. and i puked in the chalet toilet too ): according to them (in summary), i was talking slowly and dragging my words, cried, laughed, clumsy, and shouted loudly. damn, sounds like some mad woman. AT LEAST I STILL RMB SOME STUFF YAH? special thanks to joc and enxian for taking good care of me. i rmbed some hot towel on my neck and nice chests/breasts to lean on. HAHAHA! thinking of it, it was hilarious. LOL. thanks (: ironically, i played mahjong! LOL. but lost ): enxian said wana tag team, in the end he went to sleep. sad. ):

finally we were booking out. lol. sorry joc that i hit you 3 times while sleeping. i guess i drank too much/fast. usually i dont move much when i sleep lor. haha. luckily i didn't hit enxian. or isit that i hit him, but he didn't know? haha. funny. quickly packed our stuff den enxian went back sch for meeting. the rest of us checked out, had lunch den went to city hall for our dance pract. it was so freaking warm there! lol. i really perspired ALOT. no joke. haha. GGC is coming soon. next fri. hope everything turns out well. (: had dinner with them at Xin Wang den finally head home. DAMN shag.

Met enxian for lunch just now. similarly lots of things to talk abt. well, sad stuff. or maybe just some reflecting.

There was these 2 brands of wet tissues lying at the shelves. I have always wanted to buy the more expensive one cos for some reason I really love it. So I saved up and finally was able to afford the pack that was much expensive. Greatness. lol. But as I used that pack, the price of it rose and rose. so much so that i can't afford it and have to save even more to get it. That actually putting a strain on me. gees. And so, I decided not to use that pack of wet tissues for the time being. Maybe the price will drop back to normal? (sounds like some stocks) lol. I browsed through the other brands and saw the other one that was there. It was there all the while. The more I look at it, the more I like it. I heard about it's good points too. like it's not soapy and it smells good. However, it was too high up for me to reach and I do not like to trouble ppl to help me with it. But another issue is that, how would I know that it smells good and it'll not be soapy? as in, other ppl may be fine with it, but would I feel the same too? I'm broke and don't know if I should risk it and get the pack that is so high up. So should I continue saving up and wait for the price of the more expensive pack to drop? or should I just get the one that is so high up but cheaper?

Maybe she only treats him as a friend, that's why only he's invited. not me.

It's a secret.